but last night felt surreal... a lot like two years ago. i never got the chance to vent out how i felt in words about my dad's passing. unlike my darling, i wasn't there when my dad's heart beat its last beat. but my eyes flew wide open. it all started one night when i all of a sudden got up. after relentless tossing and turning and getting up to eat, drink and even potty; i still couldn't find myself falling asleep. it was hours before i got any shut eye. that night, i had an unexplainable and overwhelming feeling of discomfort. strangely, i actually felt my gut wrenching the entire time i was up and trying to force myself back into deep slumber. before i knew it, it was already time for me to get up for school (was still at fairview at the time) and woke my mom up. i just looked at her and all she said to me was, "go back to sleep... no need to go to school..." my mom telling me not to go to shcool was not what was weird. what was weird was that i didn't argue back at all. i just slept. even though i never went to class, i still liked going to school. just for f***s.
at about noon or earlier that day, i got a call from my sister. she was hysterical. she said that daddy was in a coma. i obviously left and took the next available flight to kota bharu.
for the next few days, i just sat at daddy's side. although my dad is the first and so far only person i have seen in a coma, i've always believed that although they may not be conscious, they can still hear and feel all the same. you see, before i was born, my maternal grandmother was in a coma. and in her presence, the doctor asked each child and my grandfather whether the life support should be switched off. sometimes it's just better to let someone go gently than have to force them to stay alive and suffer. her husband and everyone of her children said to let her go... but before the last child could say 'yes', she got the hint and left herself - her heart stop beating. so, till now i do believe that all those days i was keeping watch over my dad, he heard every song i sang, heard every story i told, heard every secret i shared... and for once, and just that once, he listened to what i had to say.
he left us at 4 in the morning on the fourth of february. i wasn't there when his heart stopped beating but have to say that it was so strange watching his chest go up and down in rhythm al though i knew that he was no longer with us. that was when they flipped the switch. and this is where i flip the switch on this entry.
it hurt me so much to see someone i love so heart-broken but not be able to do anything about it. don't worry sweetheart, at least you were there. i wasn't and i wish i was.
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Low |
| Schizoid: | Low |
| Schizotypal: | Moderate |
| Antisocial: | Low |
| Borderline: | Very High |
| Histrionic: | Very High |
| Narcissistic: | Moderate |
| Avoidant: | Low |
| Dependent: | Moderate |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | Moderate |
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